I meant to do this every month... I really did but life and babies and just a lack of words have kept me quiet. I wanted to post an update thought more for myself than anyone to share where I am at because we don't talk about the postpartum period enough and because I need to take a moment to reflect and define how I feel. It is so easy to just go go go and then all of a sudden look back and realize you weren't actually feeling or living you were just doing... or maybe surviving and I don't want to do that this time I don't want Ophelia's entire first year of life to just be me in survival mode. So this is just a little update to share where I am at and how things are going... it isn't meant to be a guide or really a definition of motherhood for anyone else just my thoughts and experiences because motherhood can be isolating and lonely and I need to share this.. we all need to share this and stop going at it alone.
I think in my first update I spoke about the emotions and the intensity of feeling which I am sure had a lot to do with hormones and just the changes that come with giving birth. Since then I feel like a lot has changed and an almost uncomfortable numbness has settled in that I am desperately trying to fight. We've found a new routine and Ophelia fits into our life perfectly but I am finding more and more I get lost in the chaos that is raising two tiny humans and I forget myself and I don't fully appreciate everyday. A lot of my time now is just a blur and I literally just collapse into bed at night without any intention or purpose. I kind of hate it... this lack of almost depth to my days.
Not that I hate being a mother but I feel like I am primarily functioning in survival mode right now and need to work on that. I want my daughters to grow up feeling life, appreciating tiny details and little moments and to do that they need to see that in me. How can I expect them to be their own selves with a strong voice if I am not myself? More than that though I don't want to reach old age and look back at these times and only be able to remember the constant buzzing and motion that has become our day. I could maybe say this is a lack of self care... which it definitely is but I also think it is more than that. I don't think I have found myself outside of my identity as a mother of two yet.
When I was pregnant with Jessamyn I was determined to keep my separate identity... she needs me as more than a mother but as a healthy individual. With Ophelia I think I lost that and in the blur that is the postpartum period am not sure who I am beyond taking care of them. THAT isn't to say I don't still have interests and passions outside of motherhood I just haven't been putting any effort or intention into living those and making space for them in my life.
SO at four months postpartum I am finding myself exhausted and lost. I am finding a desperate need for fresh air and space to find my own voice again. I feel like beyond those first six weeks we don't really talk about a mothers life postpartum so I don't really know where to go from here as far as finding myself but I am determined to wake up. I am determined to find a new voice and my identity as just me.
I love having two daughters and I love the routine that is our life but I also want to look back at this time and love myself and who I was. SO as hard as it is I am going to be intentional about myself... I am going to put just as much thought into making sure I am a whole person and not just an empty shell chasing my kids around. I am not sure what all that is going to look like but I think documenting it and holding myself accountable to share the journey is definitely going to be a step in the right direction. SO expect more updates and posts about this as I figure out how to live intentionally as myself in motherhood.
Okay so I am not sure if that is the update you were expecting but it is where I am at and so what I have to share. I would love to hear your experiences or how you find yourself through, in, around motherhood? I think there needs to be more talk about this, we owe it to ourselves to be ourselves and right now I am just not there yet but just knowing that I think is a step in the right direction!