This was going to be a post about self care and mornings... so I made the bed and took some photos, kicked all the laundry that I successfully washed but failed to dry to the side.... and tried to remember that usually by the end of the night both tinies have managed to wiggle their way into this nicely made bed... because there is some unwritten rule somewhere that being a parent means you never ever get to sleep alone again right? I desperately wanted to share with you how mornings have become the start of me finding myself through self care... but that isn't exactly true.
Last night I meant to go to bed early for "self care" but stayed up reading instead, Ophelia woke me up every two hours per usual and even remembered to blow out her diaper all over me... because a 3 am shower was clearly what I needed. (actually I kind of did need a shower so I guess that one worked out). Jessamyn decided to get up 2 hours early and cry about crackers and Elmo and all the things she needed to start her morning right then and there... and I did not get that "morning self care" or whatever it was I had wanted to blog about....
I did get to cuddle with the sweetest four month old all night long though... and more cuddles from my three year old (after I fed her of course because she is basically a wild animal before breakfast) And actually I did get a shower which totally counts for something. More than that though I got moments, memories... flashes of life that I will look back on someday and only see the beauty in. Everyday they grow more and more and everything changes... more and more I am realizing that these moments however hard are everything. Motherhood is not something I think that you can pop in and out of... it is another layer of your life that honestly for me right now is ruffling and creating chaos in all other areas of my life BUT I am told with each phase of life will become just a natural compliment to what I already was before babies.
For me right now the best self care I have is being aware that these moments are worth remembering. Holding on to the tiny details, the laundry scattered everywhere, the fact I probably haven't slept for more than two hours at a time in months. Self care is knowing those moments are normal, fleeting, and worth holding onto. So please know I am not so much complaining about these mornings but pointing out the realities of it and knowing that this reality is exactly where I am and there is nowhere else I would rather be.
Sometimes I think for me I use self care as an excuse to escape life but more and more I am realizing taking care of myself means being aware that right here, right now is exactly where I want to be. Knowing that these moments however hard and chaotic are the moments that make up life and that is beautiful, and okay, and exactly where I am at. Good self care right now looks like being present no matter how exhausted I am and I want to remember that.
SO someday when the bed does actually look like this in the morning, and I am not being woken up by angry or hungry tinies... I am certain I will miss these moments. I am also certain myself care will probably look a lot different at that time but for now self care is me being present in life as it is... okay correction I should actually say not just for now but always self care is being present in the moments... the truth is just that someday those moments will be incredibly different from how they are now. It is knowing these moments are mine to remember and I have to be present in them in order to do that. SO rather than asking you what you do for self care I want to know what moments you want to remember? What little things in your life you want to hold onto, however hard and beautiful?