I've been struggling to find these words for a while... struggling to, well maybe just "struggling" is a good way to word everything I want to say. You are two and by that I mean you are everything I was told (about 2 year olds) and so much more than I could even imagine. You are strong, creative, beautiful, incredibly stubborn, fierce, opinionated, and wild to the core and I am struggling (because yes that is our current word) I am struggling in motherhood.
I feel like people often explain parenting as teaching you right from wrong.. whatever that is exactly. Showing you the way, helping you learn boundaries, keeping you safe... the end goal seems to always be to keep you safe. I am finding though that "keeping you safe" keeps me anxious, keeps us constantly at odds, and leaves me in tears on a regular basis. The truth is I feel like I am failing you. See when I was pregnant I had all these high hopes of parenting you in a way that kept you free, wild, and passionate. I wanted you to grow up strong and allow you to find your own way but I worry I have lost that somewhere along the way. I worry my fear is controlling our relationship.
I am inconsistent, I often respond to you from a place of emotion rather than logic, I don't always explain the why of things (I don't always know they why if I was being honest), I sometimes respond to you from my own fears, from my frustrations, and definitely from a place of exhaustion and weakness.
And the truth is I am terrified that this is us now... that this brick wall that seems to be going up between us is permanent and I don't want that to be the case. I want to dance with you on open roads, I want to talk about all your favorite things, I want to learn as you learn, to giggle, and love, and live life together. I want at the end of the day to mother from a place of love and peace rather than fear and anxiety. I want you to be free to be wild and opinionated, to know you can have different thoughts and views from me and that is okay. I want you to feel free to grow and change without me judging you or setting up boundaries that stifle your growth and creativity, I want your childhood to be filled with love not fear.
I am not sure what that looks like... but I think it looks like more vulnerability, more admitting weak moments and embracing love. It looks like choosing peace over fear, letting go of control as a coping mechanism for hard moments, and embracing the vulnerable and rawness that is life together.
I always thought parenthood was about rules and order, about respect and discipline... but I am deciding that is wrong.
The reality is being a mother to you is about open hearts, embracing the beauty that is your wild and free spirit, and moving through the hard moments and chaos together. It is about weakness and transparency, because at the end of the day you don't need me to set your boundaries you need me to walk with you as you explore and find your own strengths and limitations... you need my love not my fear. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you in that way, I am sorry I have let my anxiety control how I respond to you. I can't promise I will always get this parenting thing right or even that I will ever know what I am doing but I can say I will try. I will try my hardest to always come from a place of love and acceptance and I hope that you always feel safe to wander and live life as the beautiful, wild, creative woman that you are.
I am sure there will be more hard moments.... I mean 2 is not very many years and we have a ways to go but I'm in this thing with you, we are doing this life together for now and I hope you know you are so loved and so appreciated for who you are. No matter how we differ or what chaos we face... we will figure this out because that is motherhood... that is love... that is us and I will always, always, always want to dance on open roads with you.