I haven't blogged for a while, and for that I am truly sorry. My reasoning hasn't been good, primarily self doubt and judgement, all clouded in a fear that my words aren't good enough. I've had a lot of things I want to say but a lack of confidence to say them. So on that note....
My 2017 resolution is MORE, more love, more wandering, more letting go, more open arms.... and what I am realizing I need to do to achieve that is to stop weaving my quilt of judgement. Yes you heard me correctly as I was looking over the past year okay and really my entire life I realized that I am constantly gather threads, ribbons, string, any little tidbits of doubt, shame, hatred, fear, and dislike I can pull from the experiences in my day-to-day life. This can come in the form of criticism, offhanded comments, fears I read into conversations, other peoples body language, my own self image, really anything. More and more I am realizing that isn't okay, that isn't healthy and its not doing me any good.
I spend my whole life looking or lets be honest creating other peoples judgement in my life thinking that this quilt I am weaving this never ending tapestry of judgement will keep me warm and protect me from failure but the truth is that is completely a lie. The more I weave, the more exhausted I get and the less I am able to experience more in my life.
SO what does that mean for 2017? It means holding less, criticizing less, and doing more. I am my own worst critic, I am the reason I can't have more, do more, live more... and I am done. This year I am going to look for the positive, believe in the good, and stop worrying about what everyone around me might be thinking. I am going say it is okay for there to be conflict, it is okay to try new things, and it is okay to not always have the words... but it is not okay to not do something or say something for fear of judgement or because I have already brought the judgement down on myself.
I am not entirely sure what this is going to look like but I am pretty sure it is going to involve a lot of self love and grace. Because lets get real goals are hard, motherhood is hard, blogging is hard... and we are not always going to be the best at everything. We don't have to be though and for me realizing that is opening up room for so much more in my life and so much good. I'll keep blogging about this as the year goes on but for now I just want to say enough to fear and criticisms. To assuming I am hated before I walk in a room, and to believing everything I post is the worst even without any proof or heckling from the crowd.... I have to say 5 days in and it is already a huge burden off my back.
I would love to hear your new year goals or maybe ways you are letting go of judgement and self doubt this year? I am convinced this is a life long journey and so I am not claiming to have the answers but I am trying and I am opening up to more love and more life this year and I hope you will join me!