There are moments when I look at her and think... I can do this, I got this.
There are days where the water rises so high and so fast I know I in fact cannot do this and have no idea what I am doing.
But then there is everything else, the moments in between when we stand together... knee deep in the mess that is life and I know in good or bad we will be okay, together.
I haven't had much to say at least in regards to motherhood... I feel like each season is so unique and different I am just doing my best to keep from drowning and go with the flow. We are entering a new phase of independence... but also a desperate need for mama and it has been challenging to say the least. There have been tears, tantrums, a lot of throwing herself on the ground out of what I can only assume is the sheer exhaustion of existing and not being able to communicate what she wants (or just plain not getting what she wants). It has been a really tough place to be between wanting to support her and let her have her way but also knowing that somethings just aren't okay and will never be okay.
There have been a lot of battles and mistakes... a lot of growth on all sides. I am learning that motherhood isn't always (or ever) about being right or even being wrong... motherhood is about coexisting with this tiny human and helping her find her feet in this world. Its about love, pain, joy... and learning how to navigate all the different emotions that are life. Right now being nearly two is hard... it takes a lot of tears, grumpiness, and foot stomping.. That is okay and I am learning to let that be okay and to embrace every stage no matter how out of the norm it feels to my grown up mind.
I am by no means a perfect parent but I am trying, and learning to walk through life with her and I hope she knows that. I hope that when she looks back on her childhood she doesn't remember rules or punishments but that she remembers love and togetherness. At the end of the day we are in this together for good and bad... and I hope she holds these moments because I know I am.
If you are in a similar state of motherhood I hope you find a good cup of coffee and know you are doing enough, these moments are enough. I think that motherhood is less about the ground we hold and more about the places we walk hand in hand.... I might not win every battle and I might not understand every meltdown but we walk through them all together and for now that is life and that is enough.