“I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.”
― Beryl Markham, West with the Night
What exactly is home?
Is it that space... the box we return to day after day.
We build, buy, rent, borrow... holding all our valuables, our hopes, our dreams.
That space where we fight, love, rest, worry..
The space where we exist alone, and so often together...
Is it not so much a home but being home...
present, at peace, together, safe...
The memories, stories, emotions all gathered together with the ones we love.
Maybe a it isn't a home but just being home...
something you can't build, buy, or borrow...
Something different all together?
As we down size, sell our house, and prepare to move into the bus I have been thinking a lot about the meaning of "home". It is actually kind of funny because we moved into our current house to have more space for Jessamyn and as a family to grow. We were... okay I was adamant that the house had to have space for two kids, two dogs, and all our stuff. Now as we prepare to downsize to a bus that is at best 200 square feet it has really been shaking the foundation of what "home" means to me.
Is home a place? Because if so ours is going to be very mobile. The ground we live on will look different week to week. The view, experience, space we hold will be constantly changing and so if home is a space we will possess an entire 200 square feet of it.
Is home a feeling? A state of being? I am not sure. I want to say yes, to say that being together is being home. That we as a family are enough, are home because we exist together and love each other. But what happens when we aren't together? Or our family unit changes? Will we permanently lose that space of "being home." This is where I am stuck and trying to find my place.
The more I think about home, pack up our belongings, sort through memories, good intentions, bad ideas. I am realizing that home at the end of the day is a choice. That there is no set definition, no clear way, home is not a place, a specific amount of people, a feeling... home is a choice.
For us that choice looks like 200 square feet, two big dogs, and a whole lot of adventure. It looks like unknown moments, living debt free, and choosing experiences over immediate "security". This obviously isn't everyones definition of home... and it definitely shouldn't be!
Home is putting our house on the market, selling all our belongings, embracing a nomadic lifestyle. Home is us together in whatever state that is, home is pancakes, changing scenery, late night cuddles, arguments, adventures.... home is the culmination of us, and here, and now.... and that is something that can't be taken away... no matter how many times we move, houses we sell, spaces we hold... we will always find home.
I am not sure if that really satisfies what "home" is. I am not even sure this really captures what home looks like for me, and definitely not for you. I hope though over this next period of life that we find home. That these moments, travels, adventures lead us closer together and more secure in our sense of home....
If you have any thoughts about this, about the idea of home, or anything else... please feel free to leave a comment! Also be sure to check back soon for another bus update!